Muddlecombe

Just 7½  miles away is the picturesque village of Muddlecombe, the home of some of our relatives.

Twinned with Chernobyl, Three Mile Island and Bhopal, it's a popular spot with visiting tourists.

Pevsner describes Muddlecombe as "a large hamlet of 200 odd people", but that's a bit harsh.

 

Below are a few recent highlights of life in the village

 

Home Signs of Muddlecombe

2014

Muddlecombe Druids Winter Solstice ceremony was cancelled last year.
Archdruid Nick said "All we needed were an oak tree, some mistletoe and a virgin.
It’s sad because there was still a lot of mistletoe on the oak trees."

 

Although it was entirely unexpected, the late entrant was clearly the winner
of the Richest Fruitcake class at the annual show so Nick adopted an appropriate
stance to award the shield.

 

A heartbreaking picture as our photographer unknowingly captured the last moments
of local Country and Western star, Dolly Partem. At the time it was thought she was
simply adjusting her equipment, but moments later the singer, who was
dyslexic, choked on her own Vimto.

 
2013

The Police & Crime Commissioner had been elected on a ‘get tough’ platform, but many people felt that
 calling in the Muddlecombe Fusiliers to deal with a jay-walker had been excessive, despite the fact
that he was 12ft tall and walking on water.

 

Some Muddlecombe lads were embarrassed when they finally realised that the theme
 for the evening was to honour Lulu, not Honolulu

 

An elderly resident was disappointed on his first visit to London, when he learnt
that Crispy Duck wasn’t Cockney rhyming slang as he’d imagined

 
 
 
2012

Muddlecombe’s new Police & Crime Commissioner Nick Cadaver, strenuously denied that he was
over-reacting to requests to deal with people who drop litter.

 

On its visit to Muddlecombe this year the Time Team programme unearthed this skeleton. Presenter Tony Robinson said "Archaeologists tell us that Muddlecombe Man is short  has a very small brain, a poor diet and bad teeth. Sadly they can’t tell us anything about the skeleton yet."

 

The new cleaner at Muddlecombe’s public lavatories proved so good, that after
 his first month the Council made his job easier by giving him a brush

 

A Muddlecombe resident started to wonder whether this really was
 the best solution to his prostate problem

 
2011

Judges at the annual winter Best Dressed Man Competition were dumbfounded when a stranger barged his way into the group photo. "He was obviously a nutter" a spokesman said. "Not only was he completely unsuitably dressed, but he kept muttering that the pub would be his in a couple of years when his mother passed on"

 

Muddlecombe Council denied that the Parking Enforcement Service had become too zealous

 

Once again the annual attempt to get Gnomey’s wallet out of his pocket was a failure

 

Cleaning led experts to believe that the Squire’s Rape of the Sabine Women, by Poussin, may not be genuine.

 
 
2010

Fire Chiefs denied that their new recruit was struggling with the training

 

The last picture of the Muddlecombe Colour-Blind Club before the tragic accident. A witness said that one of them shouted "It’s OK, the traffic lights have turned to brown."

 

Local astronomer Patrick Less confidently predicted the appearance of a new Comet. It duly appeared, just as he said it would, next door to B&Q.

 

Cracked troops from the famous Muddlecombe SBS (Special Boot Service).

The parade, led by Commander Cadaver (right), had been called to take delivery of their new armoured fighting vehicle. Unfortunately the Ministry of Defence explained that although initially ordered in 1941 it was still not ready due to numerous design changes. They sent a picture of what the state of the art vehicle will look like when it’s finally finished

 
 
2009

Tragedy struck at Muddlecombe Zoo when a visitor completely misunderstood Mrs Gnomey, the owner’s wife, when she suggested he come up and stroke her pussy.

 

Doubts were cast on the authenticity of the Squire’s famous Renoir, when cleaning revealed a hitherto unknown figure on the left.

 

Muddlecombe was honoured with the issue of a commemorative stamp

 

Officials from Muddlecombe Tourist Board were shocked when they were told that the obscure American town of Rushmore had copied the famous Muddlecombe monument. One was quoted as saying "Of course they’ve altered it by portraying people of lasting fame, with great achievements and who made enormous contributions to society, but apart from that it’s just the same as ours."

 
 
2008

New stamps showing a photograph of Her Majesty the Queen and Prince Philip were hurriedly withdrawn from sale at Muddlecombe Post Office after a printing error was spotted

 

Problems arose on the new Muddlecombe cable car as at least one resident failed to understand what was meant by a ‘step-on step-off’ service

 

Muddlecombe Air strenuously denied that they were downgrading their services.

 

Muddlecombe Aquarium finally opened its new ‘close encounter’ viewing area.

There had been some doubts expressed over safety, but spokesman Mr Elmes said "We don’t think the fish are in any danger at all. Now the Aquarium is open we’re hoping that lots of people will drop in."

 
2007

Muddlecombe Driving School started its new high speed driving experience course this year.

The first pupil said "I’ve certainly learnt my lesson"

 

An unfortunate accident at Muddlecombe College of Building. Tutor Mr Cadaver is alleged to have said "We’re going to remove that joist, when I nod my head, cut it off."

The shocked student said "It was awful - I had to buy a new saw."

 

Shame descended this year on resident Bruce Vandall.

He was dismissed from the crew of Muddlecombe’s inshore lifeboat after this picture showed that he wasn’t taking the training exercises seriously enough.

 
2006

Officials from the Department of the Environment visited to assure residents that there were no dangers involved in Muddlecombe being chosen as a storage site for nuclear waste.

They explained that they will use their time machine to send the waste safely into the future.

Muddlecombe’s annual Impersonate a Lemming contest was disappointing again this year. Immensely popular when it was first held, contestants have been fewer every year.

The organisers are at a complete loss and said " We cannot understand why entrants are dropping off."

A breakthrough in medical treatment happened when Dr Chumm began tests of his revolutionary treatment for diarrhoea.

"It’s completely painless." he said, "I put in three trowelsful and I never felt a thing."

At last The Duck and Gluepot, Muddlecombe’s second favourite, and indeed only, pub got mentioned in several guide books:

"Don’t go within a mile of the place" CAMRA

"I was ill for days"  The Good Pub Guide

"I shall sue"  Egon Ronay

 
2005

This year’s outing for the residents of the Muddlecombe Home for the Terminally Confused. As in previous years, the mystery coach tour took them to Muddlecombe

 

Scandal in this year’s Miss Muddlecombe contest. The first, second and third placed girls (seen here), were disqualified after a detailed examination.  It transpired that they were all married

 

Muddlecombe had a leading role in the Home Secretary’s experiment of making offenders on Community Service wear distinctive clothing.  It was stopped after this group were thought to have suffered excessive humiliation

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